My mother likes to tell the story of how I was named. She tells the story with grace and ease and a glint in her eyes that I have grown accustomed to over years of her recounting the experience. After receiving a positive result on a pregnancy test, she wrote a long letter to her parents, leaving it for them to read while she was at nursing school that day. Late in the afternoon, she stopped in a secluded, wooded park off of the highway to sit, think, and weep. Her sobs were interrupted by the feeling of a presence close by, and she looked up from the bench on which she was sitting to see a man standing before her. His eyes were warm and filled with compassion. “Do not fear,” he said in a calm, soothing voice. “The child inside of you will be named Sarah, and she will bring much healing to your family, and to the world.” She became baffled and perplexed. Although she had just found out she was pregnant, she had felt in her heart that the child she was carrying was a girl. Something about the man calmed her fears, soothed her grieving, and gave her assurance in the path her life would take. Giving herself a moment to breathe, she closed her eyes to take it all in. Feeling a compulsion to say something, she opened them only to realize that the man had vanished without a trace. To this day, my mother recounts this experience with pride and with an ethereal glow, the tale of how Sarah was named by an angel.
The story of my naming sets the stage for two very pertinent relationships in my life: my relationship with spirituality and my relationship with my mother. From its very inception, the relationship between my mother and I has existed as a multifaceted one: a relative, a soul mate, and a friend. I have always felt that I could come to her with absolutely anything, and that she would listen and accept me. This may be a result of her feelings that she can not be herself and be accepted, loved, celebrated and cherished within the contexts of her own family of origin. During her teenage years, the extreme transformation of her parents from liberal Catholics to born-again Christians resulted in denying her the basic freedoms which she had reveled in previously, and subsequently led to the freedoms which she so graciously showered upon me. Essentially, I became the embodiment of the free thinking, eccentric, strong willed lover of music, nature, and people; an identity stolen from her when her education was curtailed, her lovers forbidden, and her music and clothing were burned before her eyes in both a literal and symbolic gesture of the forced entrance of her new life. Embedded with a deep sense of spirituality and connection to the earth, ethereal realms, and indescribable otherworldly experiences, my mother passed her intuition and free spirit onto me. Together, we have always looked to the stars, to nature, and to the realm of our dreams to validate our experiences. The sacred feminine has always been alive and well throughout our relationship, through the context of the mother-daughter bond, strengthened by endless swapping of books and film, concerts and music shared, meals and sunsets together, tears, countless hours in bookstores, and innumerable conversations over coffee or tea.
I realize that the more I grow as an adult and as an individual, the more I am returning to my childhood roots; the subjects that interested me, the experiences that moved me, the ways which I utilized to cope, heal and grow, the instruments and voices which brought tears to my eyes and goose bumps to my skin, and in the connection to nature and human’s place within the world.
The thirst for knowledge, and seeking meaning and connection in all things have been pervasive themes throughout my life. From a very young age, I spent countless hours in libraries, soaking in everything I could about the human condition, the solar system, the paranormal, anthropology, cycles, the stars, and the origin stories of indigenous peoples, alive through oral traditions, but somehow missing from my history books. Many of these stories existed in an ambiguous area which could neither be classified as fact nor fiction; that which could not be proven or understood within the framework of societal requirements for calling these experiences objectively historical. However, I have always known in my heart that the great truths behind these powerful words do not require outside legitimization.
The elementary school I attended used no textbooks, so the tone was set at an early age for alternative, less conventional approaches to learning. The name of that school was Mariposa, meaning butterfly in Spanish, where each year we would watch the metamorphosis of a caterpillar into a chrysalis, witnessing this transformation until they emerged as butterflies. This was my fourth grade year, the year we were required to start keeping journals, which would become not only a lifelong hobby, but also an intricate part of who I am, who I was to become, and how I would cope with all that would cross my path on this journey. My early education served as a huge influence on the course I would chart for myself for years to come, through reading, writing, and the metamorphosis that was witnessed in the butterflies, but which was adhered to deep within myself.
One notable metamorphosis within my life was being a part of the Women’s Studies department in college. This education not only opened my mind, but also the door for what was to transpire in my life and for my future. It instilled within me a deep sense of social responsibility, based on the growing accountability that comes with awareness. Whether it was reading spiritual memoirs, mobilizing the vote, or organizing trips to march on Washington D.C., this time within my life represents a time of vast transformation in understanding, knowledge, information, and activism. The conversations, interactions, occurrences, and soul sharing that occurred during this period will forever be an intricate part of who I am. The surrounding ambiance is something beautiful and unforgettable that played an irreplaceable role in my life and the lives of those around me. We refer to this time lovingly as “The Pink Bubble”.
The concept of synchronicity plays an integral and inseparable role in how I view, negotiate, and exist within my world. Serendipitous occurrences and events present themselves, and through the blessing of observation, I am able to view the beauty with which the melody plays out in my life. Looking back on this life, I see a parallel between the awareness of self and the way that my path has formulated. Once in a while, I become acutely aware of road blocks, which alter the effortless flow of energy, causing cessation and suffering. When I become mindful of this experience, I feel compelled to take necessary action to heal, change, and begin preparation for the next stage of metamorphosis. Through this process, life begins again to flow with ease, harmonically supported by the universe, bringing with it open doors, opportunities, and seemingly endless possibilities.
A particular example of this playing out in the recent past is when I moved to China in the late summer of 2006. Pending our decisions to put off graduate school for the time being, my significant other and I secured jobs teaching English overseas. The opportunity had presented itself in an interesting and enticing way, and we were excited about what we felt was the opportunity of a lifetime; to travel across the world, live in a culture completely different than anything we had ever dreamed of, and to get paid for doing so. In retrospect, I do not believe that I made the decision to go to China for the right reasons. Therefore, I feel that since I acted without awareness and not from the heart, I had to suffer the consequences in order to put things into perspective, by dealing with the repercussions of my decision. These included not being able to be there for my family, who were in need of support during the grieving process after several sudden deaths of close loved ones, the mental deterioration of my significant other, and the subsequent deterioration of our relationship. I learned incredible lessons as a result; most importantly that I need to make decisions mindfully and from the heart. It instilled within me the ability to make the most of my present situations, especially during times when the result is different than what was intended or expected. Despite the hardships and trials which were faced during my time in China, I am forever indebted to the time spent there, for it gave a new energy in my quest for knowledge, and also instilled within me a great passion for sharing my love of education with others. Also, this experience transitioned into securing the most fulfilling work that I have had in my life thus far.
While living in China, a dear friend and fellow Women’s Studies graduate had obtained a job back in Florida in a program called Peacemakers. The mission of this program is to employ the standards of peaceful coexistence and problem solving, teaching children how to work within themselves and together to create a more peaceful existence and a better world. The prior grant had been extended to create and implement a program for fourth and fifth grades, and there was an opening for a new Peacemaker. This opportunity called to me, and the timing was ideal. She recommended me for the job, I sent my resume, and after a follow up phone interview, I was offered the position upon my arrival back in the States. The years which followed have served as the most rewarding and lucrative work that I have ever had the blessing of being a part of.
As a Peacemaker and educator, I am in a unique position to inspire and excite a transformation in others. As I always tell the children, I feel that one of the best parts about my job is that I do not teach any skills or give any tools that they do not already possess within themselves. My position is merely to plant a seed, to get them thinking, to highlight and model ways of coping with emotions, communicating effectively with others, and advocating for peace within their lives and interactions. I see this as an opportunity to give kids the gifts I was given, such as the freedom of expression, an appreciation for diversity and uniqueness, and therapeutic creativity such as writing, while instilling in them the mechanisms to be able to deal with intense emotions and to make positive, peaceful, and proactive decisions that I feel may have been lacking in my own early education.
As educators in a global context, we have a powerful platform from which to start advocating for change and a transformation in consciousness. Our ability to connect with others on a physical and communicative level paves the way for exchange on the spiritual level. Universal language is expressed through our art and our music, connecting us at the most basic level of the soul, an understanding which requires no exchange of words. The intersection of education and creative expression on local and global levels opens a door for the great change which is to come. This new phase requires a conscious effort to keep our eyes, ears, minds, and hearts open, to learn, take in, and celebrate the diversity of this life and all contained within it. I feel blessed to exist in this unique place in history.
I currently find myself in a place of transition and transformation. I have been experiencing the necessary cyclical buildup of energy that precedes the ushering in of a new era, feeling this deep within my core, in my heart, and in the very essence which is my existence in this life. It feels that for a great deal of time now, I have been learning, growing, progressing, falling back, relearning, shedding, and blossoming. It is as if all of this preparation has led me to the place where I am at this exact moment in time, turning the page, starting the next chapter, both within myself and within this world. Through awareness of myself and my path, this incessant internal transformation that is taking place to and through me becomes the wave that moves the ocean, the wind that drives the storm. The groundwork has been laid, the dust from the turned page is beginning to settle, and the title of the next chapter is becoming clear. Inhaling the sweetness of this moment, taking into my being the light and peace surrounding me, I dance with the air, swirling into that which surrounds me, and that which is to come.
“I rejoice that I live in such a splendidly disturbing time.”
· Helen Keller
