dearest unrequited love...

i dreamt last night that i gave a boy my journal. it was a particular boy, now that i think back at the dream, but i don't feel his identity was as poignant as the symbolism thereof, although i'm not exactly sure what it means.

i was told by one of my roommates that venus is in retrograde, and although the full meaning of that is unbeknownst to me, i know that it is having an effect on me and my emotions.

i think this new moon is bringing with it a new start.... a release from the anchor i apparently trudged with me all the way across this nation... and one that even reached across an ocean. after deleting several numbers from my phone the other night, in a brilliant move of drunken clarity, tonight, i felt compelled to write one of them a letter in my journal. i decided to type it up and send it to him. and now, for some reason, i feel compelled to share it with you.

it's one in the morning and I'm writing you this letter because i've decided its in my better interest to delete your number and attempt not to contact you.

of course, it would be too easy if the universe just gave me a break..... instead, i'm midway through the 4th book in my favorite new book series, and the main character has taken off to London and is starting a torrid love affair with a much younger fellow.... and they mention Leeds, no less.

i really don't know what to feel right now.

i really do believe that we have a special connection and i do believe that you care about me...
but i don't know whether to feel misled, naive, or both.

Naive. well, i've never had a romance with a musician before... and certainly not with a foreigner twice my age, but although i do get a good vibe, and although i do think you have a good heart, you've definitely played some peculiar mindgames that i feel have tried to be put on me.
you haven't called or text, but have attempted, via email, to act as if you had.
you suggested i come to see you, offered to fly me to do so, asked me to look into it, and then never spoke about it again. and when i let you know i felt neglected, you acted as if i had been the one blowing you off....and went into this whole sob story about your five month old son and his pissed off mother, who you live with....and neither of which i knew about until last week.
maybe i was so completely naive to think i'm the only girl you have on the side.
i'd like to think that if i knew all of this upfront, i wouldn't have gotten involved, but i can't say that for sure.
maybe that says something about my character.
about my reckless excitement for new, enticing experiences and connection.
but i do think it says something about yours, and i wish you could have been more honest with me about your truth, motivations, and desires.

just so you know, it was never about the fact that you're a musician.
sure, it's always about the music, but this was about you. your statuesque form. the way you make love to your "bass guitar". your foreign approach and methodic disdain. the way you make love like a hungry, eager animal.
the way we stared into each other's eyes unexpectedly that first night, and every night we've gotten a chance since.

i will miss you.
i'll miss your presence and your sexy seeming detachment. i will miss your words i can't understand, and your jokes i don't get.
i will miss your massive hands and the way you send kisses via email like a ten year old child.
but most of all, i will miss the feeling that i was uniquely special to you.

i will always cherish the fact that this big, big world can seem so suddenly small as to bring such vastly different souls together.

i wish you all of the happiness in the world, and i wish for myself the clarity and strength to not get myself emotionally invested in someone so obviously unavailable as you.

i hope that we meet again in the future, perhaps on that particular island paradise we dream of.

'til then, i will miss your eyes.

with love and disdain,
sarah

the intricacies of a city....

i feel so blessed to have the introduction to this city that i do.

i'm blessed with a home, full of zany, amazing, unique and horrendously fun souls, including.. but certainly not limited to... a very amazing, very new, very close friend. i've decided its a complete waste of energy to sweat the small stuff, and that my intuition is keen and that i need to have trust in the universe that things are exactly as they should be. worry and angst about the past or future does nothing conducive to my journey.. all it does is take me out of the present moment, and the present moment is inevitable.

money is an important thing, but it comes... just like everything else.

last nights party was AMAZING. the pics are uploading now and will be posted soon.... but a quadruple birthday celebration with a "Dress to the Nines" theme. super sexy dance party in the living room, amazing souls all around.
i'm really a completely blessed girl.

so what can i say about the zany-ness of this city?? like my emotional state at present, it changes everyday and constantly keeps one on their toes. the last few days have led way to a weather of gloom, a respite from the sunny weather that actually caused me to sweat for the first time since moving here a few days ago. today is completely different, bringing back with it the sun. i do believe the sun is also shining because its joseph's (and apparently Jade's) birthday... and my Brit brat is coming tonight with my benny ben. nothing like life-long friends to bring joy and perspective to life.

in spite of the constantly biting wind, i've taken on this incessant look of long shorts combined with long socks.... which has apparently provided me with unexpected notariety and attention. one cute boy buzzed by me on a moped yesterday as i was leaving home, screaming "I LIKE YOUR STYLE!!!" as he rode on by.
all i could think is "let me borrow those Converse".

kelly green mind you. they're on my list of "things i want to purchase once i have a job"

on that front, i had two interviews at the same place and was feeling promising about that endeavor, although i haven't heard back. I'm going to call tomorrow so that I know for sure one way or the other. In the meantime, a possible tutoring opportunity has fallen in my lap. extremely good pay for the hours.... and the odd thing is that it would equal the EXACT amount of money I told Joseph that I would need for the next few months to cover hostel rent, food, and my monthly MUNI pass.

hmmmmmmmmm....... serendipitous??

more later
x
sarah

emotionally woebegone

woebegone

adjective
1. worn and broken down by hard use

i felt slightly enthralled to discover this word this week, because it accurately and perfectly defines my emotional state over the last week or so.

right now, i'm sitting in a coffee shop, several blocks from my house, attempting to update the status of my emotions and why i've felt so emotionally tattered due to this incessant roller coaster of ups and downs. everything in my life is always so extreme, and as much as it makes my life the full, enriched, thrilling experience that it is.... it makes the lows really fucking shitty. i wouldn't trade my ability to feel and feel fully for anything in the world..... but on weeks like this especially, it makes me feel emotionally bipolar.

so i've basically broken things off with matt. in the spirit of attempting to be open, honest, and communicative about an extraneous relationship, i found myself in an all-too-familiar place... that being one where my lover tended to have the emotional upperhand in the relationship, making the foundation seemingly inequivocal at best. i didn't really expect to come to so many realizations, while spouting off my emotional diatribe at jen over the course of an hour last week (thanks again), but i realized that something felt very familiar. and i was reminded of my last relationship where i expended so much energy wondering where the other person was at mentally, emotionally, and what page they were on when it came to being invested in the relationship.

((just had to take a break to add half and half to my tea, check out the dready boy in the suit jacket at the counter, and to put on my headphones and music because the man next to me at the cafe is insisting on blasting his nostril phlegm so frequently, loudly, and profusely thats its making me feel as if i'm back in china in the wintertime..... yuck))

anyhow.... to sum it up, its just been a really fucking emotional week. i do feel and realize that i am quite blessed to have been so aware this time, that I saw the red flags this early in... before i had invested more time and energy. and before i had given so much of myself that there wasn't anything left. apparently, my heart and soul and path was determined not to make this Brian #2. so in retrospect, as destroying as that relationship was to my soul and psyche, i feel extreme gratitude to the growth and perception it has prompted within my journey. so, thanks B.

on top of all of this, i'm still jobless at this moment (awaiting a call from the place i had two interviews and felt really positive about), which is stressful. i was chatting up one of the twins in the kitchen this morning, and she said "San Francisco tries to kick everyone out. it tried with me. but i was like 'fuck you' and didn't let it. and here i am". so at least that was insightful and worth a good laugh for the morning over my second saucer of earl grey. besides that, she gave me a lead on this section of craigslist that i didn't know about, called "gigs", which is temporary jobs/events/what not for some cash. seems promising, or at least another lead. i told joseph that WHEN we get these teaching jobs for the fall (we'll know by the end of the month about the interview, and the end of next if we made it through..... which i know in my heart is whats going to happen), all i really need is to make $750 to $800 a month for now, until we move into our place. 500 for my months rent, the rest for a muni pass and food. and Jen booked us in the hostel until June, so its ours if we want it.

as impatient as i am (i like to say i'm working on it, but i'm not really) i'd like to believe that the reason i'm having such a bitch of a time finding a job is because when the right one comes along, its going to throw itself at my feet.

on top of that, i had my first tarot reading, followed by a brief reiki session.... and it was so right on, and indescribable, and life altering.
i know that i'm in need of a serious cleanse... of the body, mind, emotions and soul. i'm going to start by getting rid of myspace, i've deleted a few numbers from my phone, i'm going to lay off on the drinking (because its went from being fun, to making me feel extremely depressed), and after I get back from Florida, I'm going to do a physical cleanse, as I know its not feasible before then with my birthday/travel/the wedding.

thanks for gracing me with your eyes and presence. send me your prayers and positive vibes.

love and peace.

all that matters....

so it's halfway til one in the morning here. i'm lying on my stomach, pondering, listening to the accordian player who lives next door resonate through the walls...and i'm crying again.

i find myself in a familiar place.... a similar landscape, except this time, my awareness allowed me to see the path before making the long and painstaking climb to the top only to fall off the precipice.

only its different now. as much as these tears smear my cheeks, and as painful as parting can be, the truth of the matter is that i'm compiling my wings, feather by feather.... forming this cocoon, strand by strand. but i will no longer crawl. i will no longer be encased. i will spend some solitary time in the darkness, and i will emerge, wings spread, full flight, taking to the air with the shimmering gorgeousness of the suns reflection .... smiling down on me as it says.... "see little one. i told you that you were a butterfly. in your heart you knew it all along. and now, you shall never return to the ground, for it is your turn to fly"

i'm going to sleep on this for tonight. there is much to be written, but it will have to wait until tomorrow.
in the meantime, to prevent this from happening in my life, i'm going to quote bukowski with each new person i meet. off the bat. and if they can't agree to it, well guess what?? these wings don't need anchors.
crawl on, oh earthbound ones. but this girl belongs to the sky.


"If you're going to try, go all the way. Otherwise don't even start."

-Charles Bukowski

cover me....

so, i needed to hear this song today....because its one of those pensive/depresso all-time favorites. so i youtubed Bon Iver, who sings it, and found this amazing rendition by this beautifully talented hottie. what a gem! enjoy!



**figured i'd add the lyrics in below... since they're so poetic. and always so fucking pertinent in my life when it comes to love and being pensive. especially yesterday.

I am my mother's only one
It's enough

I wear my garment so it shows
Now you know

Only love is all maroon
Gluey feathers on a flume
Sky is womb and she's the moon

I am my mother on the wall, with us all
I move in water, shore to shore;
Nothing's more

Only love is all maroon
Lapping lakes like leary loons
Leaving rope burns --
Reddish ruse

Only love is all maroon
Gluey feathers on a flume
Sky is womb and she's the moon

hide and seek

lyrics for the day

(can't embed the video... but it can be seen by at the address listed below:)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5cpSv2mNhhc

Where are we? What the hell is going on?
The dust has only just begun to fall,
Crop circles in the carpet, sinking, feeling.
Spin me round again and rub my eyes.
This can't be happening.
When busy streets a mess with people
would stop to hold their heads heavy.

Hide and seek.
Trains and sewing machines.
All those years they were here first.

Oily marks appear on walls
Where pleasure moments hung before.
The takeover, the sweeping insensitivity of this
still life.

Hide and seek.
Trains and sewing machines. (Oh, you won't catch me around here)
Blood and tears,
They were here first.

Mmm, what you say?
Mm, that you only meant well? Well, of course you did.
Mmm, what you say?
Mm, that it's all for the best? Ah of course it is.
Mmm, what you say?
Mm, that it's just what we need? And you decided this.
Mmm what you say?
What did she say?

Ransom notes keep falling out your mouth.
Mid-sweet talk, newspaper word cut-outs.
Speak no feeling, no I don't believe you.
You don't care a bit. You don't care a bit.

Ransom notes keep falling out your mouth.
Mid-sweet talk, newspaper word cut-outs.
Speak no feeling, no I don't believe you.
You don't care a bit. You don't care a bit.

You don't care a bit.
You don't care a bit.
You don't care a bit.
You don't care a bit.
You don't care a bit.