i dreamt last night that i gave a boy my journal. it was a particular boy, now that i think back at the dream, but i don't feel his identity was as poignant as the symbolism thereof, although i'm not exactly sure what it means.
i was told by one of my roommates that venus is in retrograde, and although the full meaning of that is unbeknownst to me, i know that it is having an effect on me and my emotions.
i think this new moon is bringing with it a new start.... a release from the anchor i apparently trudged with me all the way across this nation... and one that even reached across an ocean. after deleting several numbers from my phone the other night, in a brilliant move of drunken clarity, tonight, i felt compelled to write one of them a letter in my journal. i decided to type it up and send it to him. and now, for some reason, i feel compelled to share it with you.
it's one in the morning and I'm writing you this letter because i've decided its in my better interest to delete your number and attempt not to contact you.
of course, it would be too easy if the universe just gave me a break..... instead, i'm midway through the 4th book in my favorite new book series, and the main character has taken off to London and is starting a torrid love affair with a much younger fellow.... and they mention Leeds, no less.
i really don't know what to feel right now.
i really do believe that we have a special connection and i do believe that you care about me...
but i don't know whether to feel misled, naive, or both.
Naive. well, i've never had a romance with a musician before... and certainly not with a foreigner twice my age, but although i do get a good vibe, and although i do think you have a good heart, you've definitely played some peculiar mindgames that i feel have tried to be put on me.
you haven't called or text, but have attempted, via email, to act as if you had.
you suggested i come to see you, offered to fly me to do so, asked me to look into it, and then never spoke about it again. and when i let you know i felt neglected, you acted as if i had been the one blowing you off....and went into this whole sob story about your five month old son and his pissed off mother, who you live with....and neither of which i knew about until last week.
maybe i was so completely naive to think i'm the only girl you have on the side.
i'd like to think that if i knew all of this upfront, i wouldn't have gotten involved, but i can't say that for sure.
maybe that says something about my character.
about my reckless excitement for new, enticing experiences and connection.
but i do think it says something about yours, and i wish you could have been more honest with me about your truth, motivations, and desires.
just so you know, it was never about the fact that you're a musician.
sure, it's always about the music, but this was about you. your statuesque form. the way you make love to your "bass guitar". your foreign approach and methodic disdain. the way you make love like a hungry, eager animal.
the way we stared into each other's eyes unexpectedly that first night, and every night we've gotten a chance since.
i will miss you.
i'll miss your presence and your sexy seeming detachment. i will miss your words i can't understand, and your jokes i don't get.
i will miss your massive hands and the way you send kisses via email like a ten year old child.
but most of all, i will miss the feeling that i was uniquely special to you.
i will always cherish the fact that this big, big world can seem so suddenly small as to bring such vastly different souls together.
i wish you all of the happiness in the world, and i wish for myself the clarity and strength to not get myself emotionally invested in someone so obviously unavailable as you.
i hope that we meet again in the future, perhaps on that particular island paradise we dream of.
'til then, i will miss your eyes.
with love and disdain,
sarah
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You go girl!!! So articulate and well written.
ReplyDeleteAries New Moon: March 26, 2009
ReplyDeleteBy Barbara Hand Clow
It is the New Moon in Aries: the time to start new things that have promise and to end things that are just going nowhere. The Spring Equinox occurred just a few days ago, and so we are really feeling like getting moving. The central issue with using Aries power is: to do our utmost to be clear about what we want, and to think about how our lives would change if we did get what we want. If you're not careful, with strong Aries aspects, you can become a rampaging car that is out of control because nobody's at the steering wheel. Think about that.
This New Moon in Aries is especially fine for getting going with Mercury and Venus close to the New Moon. Of course, during the New Moon we integrate our feelings (Moon) with our central purpose (Sun). Adding Mercury, which rules our mental functioning, and Venus, which rules what attracts us and is attracted to us, this is a very functional and alluring lunation. It will be easier than usual to be clear about exactly what we want. Then, Pluto in early Capricorn squares this intimate group in Aries, which intensifies the meaning, integrity, and seriousness of our intentions. Pluto will retrograde on April 4, so this is the last chance to use Pluto as a tool in ordinary reality until he goes direct in mid-September. On April 4, you will move the deep issues you have been working on into your private zone to consider whether you can actually handle what has been coming up. With some thought, you can better comprehend the things that seemed so urgent. The great revolution going on in the outer world will slow down for just a little while, and then personal and collective agendas will charge forward like "a bull with laser vision" in the fall.
This Aries New Moon is a great time to take some fundamental actions on big issues you have been hammering away at because, in a few weeks, a pause will come. The stellium in Aries trines the lunar South Node in Leo, which is also very favorable for completing some things; you can cap off the job, so to speak. The stellium sextiles the lunar North Node in Aquarius-making it easy to assess the value of things in our lives, and to just let them settle in if they are right on. Meanwhile, the subtle player in the group is Venus retrograde in Aries from March 3 until April 17. Venus retrograde in Aries encourages us to assess relationships, values, resources, and material needs. What, and whom, do we really love so much that we will even change ourselves to keep the bond going? This Venus retrograde is tense because Venus is dissatisfied in Aries; she scans for variety and something different. With Venus retrograde in Aries, the most exquisite and cherished person in your life may seem to be a bloody bore-or worse.
But, watch it, because you may be seeing yourself in the other person!
Venus retrograde came on strong March 3, and it is going to hit like a bomb during this New Moon. If you dump someone on the day after the New Moon, you may feel like you had a case of temporary insanity when Venus conjuncts the Sun. This New Moon, so close to Venus, asks us to get real about strong attachments because Venus in Aries makes us feel like getting real and being honest. This can propel a deep relationship into a new and more honest phase, or push it right out of existence. Either way, it would be wise to assume that difficult emotions coming up in relationships right now are happening because you're not getting something that you desire, something you are afraid to ask for. You are being challenged to choose love over discord, or to see that the love is not strong enough to handle conflict. Hold with this energy and be as patient as you can because Venus retrograde offers you great clarity within complex relationships when she turns direct April 17. Also, you will have a better perspective on your situation on May 21 when Venus passes its March 3 retrograde point (15 Aries); so if your theatre of conflict is marriage or a committed relationship, it would be wise to wait before you do anything drastic. On May 21, you will see the situation clearly, and it will not be as difficult to change things. .
Mars-in-Pisces transforms take-charge impulses into a desire to go sit on a park bench, stare at a wall, or just turn the phone off. Mars-in-Pisces generates lethargy and ennui. When Mars is in Pisces, many people wonder why it is worth doing anything at all, and even if it seems to be worth it, they still just can't get motivated. The constant energy loss and drag with Mars in Pisces is a very difficult thing in general, and a great challenge for those who have it in their natal charts. So, even though you will a big charge from the stellium in Aries-"I should, I must, I will"-like Inspector Clouseau, you might just peek around the corner, tap your umbrella, and go off in the other direction. Saturn in Virgo exactly opposes the midpoint between Mars and Uranus in Pisces, which hints at snafus and odd turns of events in the larger world and in your life. This is because Mars (action) and Uranus (transformation) are deactivated, and then challenged by Saturn in opposition. This amusing and owl-like configuration feels like a leaky energy that will confuse people about what and who is on top. Meanwhile, it is an excellent aspect for the big boys to play shell games, especially regarding "where did all the bailout money go?".
I am suggesting that things may not actually be as they appear to be, with many people charging around looking like they are doing many things, but much of what is going on is hot air. Like the moment when a pillow breaks open and the chicken feathers fly all over the place, you may wonder what's making you sneeze. This is really an oddball New Moon, and I noticed that the other astrologers didn't know how to read it, so they talked about everything but this chart! Well, the key to how the energy can be used if you are wily and smart lies in the close quincunx from Jupiter in Aquarius to Saturn in Virgo. This is a major case of "The buck stops here!" aspect that will force cheaters and thieves out in the open, if anybody is watching.
Jupiter in Aquarius inspires us to revolt: first, in the privacy of our minds, and then, by joining together to change reality. It wants assets to be fairly delegated, and you can see that a revolt against the "Bailout" abuses is building. Jupiter in Aquarius wants money to be used wisely to create valuable things. Saturn in Virgo loves order, efficiency, and the creation of good systems. Saturn in Virgo is constant, dedicated, and determined-and yes, it is often obsessive. Watch out for Saturn in Virgo when it gets thwarted because it will come out fighting. Jupiter in Aquarius agrees with that, and with this tight quincunx, they'd better put Bernie Madoff in isolation, while Fed Chairman Bernanke does some new thinking.
Saturn in Virgo is the master key that reveals how this great Aries stellium can be used at its highest potential. Uranus/Mars opposing Saturn in Virgo pressures for persistent change, and the quincunx from Jupiter in Aquarius is like the lever, the crowbar. It will continue to expand the issues and dilemmas-until new winds of change blow in and topple the blocks. In that sense, this should be a nuanced and subtle month, a time when many things are happening that are invisible.
Venus/New Moon/Mercury in Aries squaring Pluto proudly announce that it is time to be clear about what we want and go for it, but Uranus/Mars in Pisces opposing Saturn in Virgo will create odd and circuitous methods. Meanwhile, Chiron is in close conjunction to Neptune in Aquarius, and we hear a new siren: a siren that wails for us to heal our spiritual crisis and become whole again. Neptune/Chiron in Aquarius for the next few years is going to push us hard to process our inner wounding, to face our shortcomings coming from past pain. Chiron/Neptune in Aquarius is the signature aspect for the end of the Mayan Calendar; they form a conjunction that guarantees we are going to stop limiting ourselves. The point of this New Moon in Aries is to direct the great pressure we feel for change right into healing ourselves, healing all the complexes and limitations that got us where we are now. So, when you see things collapse this month that you were sure are very important for you, consider that old and useless things are collapsing so that you won't collapse.
Consider the following: assume that what actually happens is just what it is supposed to be, regardless of what you thought should be going. Aries does not do well when Mars is in Pisces, yet we are in a collapsing environment that is recycling old paths; we are finally letting go. The surest advice for this month is to be prepared to just move on if something doesn't work, just kiss it goodbye. After all, Mars in Pisces is always happy to sit on the park bench or stare out the window-a perfectly good choice while old worlds are quickly passing away.
http://www.handclow2012.com/astroflash.htm
The Moon is New at 6ยบ of Aries
March 26th at 9:06 AM PDT
For this lunar cycle's monthly overview info go to:
www.moonsurfing.com/lunar_cycle.html
For general info on how to use new moon energy:
http://www.moonsurfing.com/new_moon.html
For general info on how to use full moon energy:
www.moonsurfing.com/full_moon.html
Get ready to seize the day and turn over a new leaf, because you've definitely reached a turning point. It's time for a change of course and a leap of faith...a quantum leap...in some area of your life.
An intense and fiery Aries New Moon on March 26th is the most powerful day for granting wishes. So as you reflect on your intentions, ask yourself where you need to be daring and brave... and where you need to leave the past behind.
Ruler of the New Moon...Mars, in emotionally sensitive Pisces reminds you to take your guidance from a Higher Power and keep the greater good in mind.
Whether your leap is large or small, the main thing is to find the message behind what you're experiencing and change or let go of whatever is holding you back.
What are you willing to do to have the life you want?
Spring tells you it's time to reinvent yourself, blaze new trails, and go after the resources you need to make your dreams come true.
With Sooo Much Love and Limitless Moonlit Blessings,
Claudia
and also....
ReplyDeleteVenus Retrograde for 2009
How to Constructively Use the Venus Retrograde Period
From March 6 through April 17 2009, the planet Venus will be retrograde. The retrograde motion of an inner planet is an apparent phenomena as viewed from earth in which Venus appears to move backwards in the sky. Every 1 ½ years, when Venus moves approximately 29 degrees ahead of the Sun (in the astrological ephemeris), it will begin to move backwards in the sky until it reaches a point approximately 21 to 29 degrees behind the Sun.
When Venus is retrograde, it provides lessons in evaluating the real worth and value of people and things in our life (Taurus-Libra issues). With existing relationships, this cycle produces experiences wherein it is easier to discern the relative worth and value of these people in your life.
Discrimination is more effective. You become readily aware of any problems, differences or unresolved issues. It is NOT a time, however, to act upon any unfavorable awareness. It is purely a time of evaluation rather than direct action. As little frictions and disagreements crop up, they serve to remind you that the relationship is not perfect. Under the retrograde influence, you must assess the severity of the problem and the “cost-benefit” of the relationship. Only after Venus turns direct should you initiate any alienation if this is deemed necessary. GOOD DATE: March 11 (sextile Jupiter in Aquarius)
Sometimes we do experience relationship difficulties and stresses but, if it is a good relationship, the differences will not affect the quality of association. It is important to realize that, in a relationship, the problems that you experience in the beginning of the union will always be there and only get worse in time. These are the basic differences between you and the other person. You should make an evaluation at the time of Venus retrograde to determine if you can tolerate and understand these differences. I have been through many Venus Retrograde cycles and the good relationships are still with me.
While we can readily distinguish the problems in a current relationship, this will not be true of a relationship formed while Venus is retrograde. Because the retrograde motion alters our perspective, we are unable to see the obvious and we can too easily misread the signals. Before eloping or making wedding plans, wait until Venus turns direct to get a balanced perspective. This Venus does not imply deception but rather a distorted perspective and attitude. Faulty presumptions can be easily made. For example, if you meet someone at the tennis court, it does not necessarily mean that the person likes tennis. Maybe that person was simply there to pick up a friend! These presumptions can cause erroneous evaluations and eventual disappointment when we discover that the person of our dreams is not what we thought at all!
Where there are existing difficulties in a relationship, the retrograde Venus period offers an opportunity for a reconciliation. People are often feeling unloved, unappreciated and disappointed while Venus is retrograde. They feel that they should be getting more out of their relationships. This is particularly true when Venus transits the 7th and 12th Houses. When a person is in a mood that makes them feel that nobody cares, it is an excellent time to make a “hat-in-hand” apology to restore a relationship with someone who is hurt. Any sincere apology will be graciously received. During the 2002 Retrograde, I found it easier to have good heart-to-heart talks with friends, something I really needed to do. My new perspective was the depth of kindness in so many of my friends.
Being the natural ruler of the 2nd House, Venus has dominion over certain financial affairs. This is NOT a good time for investing or starting new financial activities. The value of the product or commodity is often inflated or over-valued so that losses will occur when Venus turns direct. Splurging on substitutes for feeling loved can be costly and paying for this with Capricorn dollars can be difficult! A Capricorn friend has a predilection for making investments while Mercury or Venus are retrograde. Needless to say, the only benefit that he has received is a hefty write-off on his taxes for his losses.
While Venus is retrograde, it is not a time to purchase any so-called luxury items. You will be motivated by impractical considerations so that, what looks gorgeous in the store, may turn out to be the ugliest thing you have ever seen once Venus turns direct! The inclination is to purchase items that you will not like and you cannot return. No discussion of Venus retrograde would be complete without mentioning my redheaded friend who bought a purple coat (on sale – could not be returned) while Venus was retrograde. Another man signed a lease on an apartment with a gorgeous sunken living room. So enamored of its beauty was this man that he did not consider the long-term financial strain. This retrograde does have excellent financial benefits if you know how to use them. First, because people are motivated by impractical considerations in making purchases, it is the perfect time to unload something that no one would buy except when Venus is retrograde. Someone is sure to see its inner beauty and feel that they cannot live without it. They may regret it later but that is not your problem. Working with the inflated value of this Venus transit makes this an excellent time to unload stocks, real estate and unwanted items. Then, use the money gained to pay off debts.
Venus retrograde is an excellent time for buying antiques, flea market items and secondhand goods wherein you know the real worth and value of the item but the seller does not.
Years ago when I first studied astrology, I warned my parents about spending excessively on an antiquing trip when Venus was retrograde. To my surprise, they came back with the best bargains! They discovered many valuable antiques with very low prices because the seller did not know their value. Purchasing real estate is not always a problem with Venus retrograde. If you know that the property is a bargain, you can make an excellent deal. Discrimination is essential. Do not be motivated by a flashy appearance.
According to Delphine Jay, who has lectured extensively on retrogrades, she finds that Venus retrograde is a favorable time for re-negotiating a financial situation such as a contract or bank loan. It can be helpful in resolving a long-standing legal matter. When Venus is station (around the retrograde/direct dates), it is a good time to change lawyers.
Mary Shea states that this is a time to reflect on the inner value of your experiences rather than outer display. Material rewards may be delayed and material or possessions that you expect to acquire may not manifest. A luxury item purchased may not please you in the long run. Relationships started now will be associated with inhibitions – clandestine or possibly more spiritual. Something may be withheld and, if so, someone will be disappointed. Existing relationships may be up for review. Outer assurances and displays of love and affection are not readily evident. Old friends and lost loves may be contacted for a second look.
You emotions are so raw, so sarah. :)
ReplyDeleteI love you and am sorry i did not know about this earlier.
I miss you lovie I hope you know you are loved everyday from far far away