emotionally woebegone

woebegone

adjective
1. worn and broken down by hard use

i felt slightly enthralled to discover this word this week, because it accurately and perfectly defines my emotional state over the last week or so.

right now, i'm sitting in a coffee shop, several blocks from my house, attempting to update the status of my emotions and why i've felt so emotionally tattered due to this incessant roller coaster of ups and downs. everything in my life is always so extreme, and as much as it makes my life the full, enriched, thrilling experience that it is.... it makes the lows really fucking shitty. i wouldn't trade my ability to feel and feel fully for anything in the world..... but on weeks like this especially, it makes me feel emotionally bipolar.

so i've basically broken things off with matt. in the spirit of attempting to be open, honest, and communicative about an extraneous relationship, i found myself in an all-too-familiar place... that being one where my lover tended to have the emotional upperhand in the relationship, making the foundation seemingly inequivocal at best. i didn't really expect to come to so many realizations, while spouting off my emotional diatribe at jen over the course of an hour last week (thanks again), but i realized that something felt very familiar. and i was reminded of my last relationship where i expended so much energy wondering where the other person was at mentally, emotionally, and what page they were on when it came to being invested in the relationship.

((just had to take a break to add half and half to my tea, check out the dready boy in the suit jacket at the counter, and to put on my headphones and music because the man next to me at the cafe is insisting on blasting his nostril phlegm so frequently, loudly, and profusely thats its making me feel as if i'm back in china in the wintertime..... yuck))

anyhow.... to sum it up, its just been a really fucking emotional week. i do feel and realize that i am quite blessed to have been so aware this time, that I saw the red flags this early in... before i had invested more time and energy. and before i had given so much of myself that there wasn't anything left. apparently, my heart and soul and path was determined not to make this Brian #2. so in retrospect, as destroying as that relationship was to my soul and psyche, i feel extreme gratitude to the growth and perception it has prompted within my journey. so, thanks B.

on top of all of this, i'm still jobless at this moment (awaiting a call from the place i had two interviews and felt really positive about), which is stressful. i was chatting up one of the twins in the kitchen this morning, and she said "San Francisco tries to kick everyone out. it tried with me. but i was like 'fuck you' and didn't let it. and here i am". so at least that was insightful and worth a good laugh for the morning over my second saucer of earl grey. besides that, she gave me a lead on this section of craigslist that i didn't know about, called "gigs", which is temporary jobs/events/what not for some cash. seems promising, or at least another lead. i told joseph that WHEN we get these teaching jobs for the fall (we'll know by the end of the month about the interview, and the end of next if we made it through..... which i know in my heart is whats going to happen), all i really need is to make $750 to $800 a month for now, until we move into our place. 500 for my months rent, the rest for a muni pass and food. and Jen booked us in the hostel until June, so its ours if we want it.

as impatient as i am (i like to say i'm working on it, but i'm not really) i'd like to believe that the reason i'm having such a bitch of a time finding a job is because when the right one comes along, its going to throw itself at my feet.

on top of that, i had my first tarot reading, followed by a brief reiki session.... and it was so right on, and indescribable, and life altering.
i know that i'm in need of a serious cleanse... of the body, mind, emotions and soul. i'm going to start by getting rid of myspace, i've deleted a few numbers from my phone, i'm going to lay off on the drinking (because its went from being fun, to making me feel extremely depressed), and after I get back from Florida, I'm going to do a physical cleanse, as I know its not feasible before then with my birthday/travel/the wedding.

thanks for gracing me with your eyes and presence. send me your prayers and positive vibes.

love and peace.